Thursday, March 4, 2010

snow makes me think

I've been thinking about it a lot, and I've realized something about myself. I haven't really decided whether or not I feel like it's a good or a bad thing. In the past (and now... ha) I have let relationships dictate so much of how I feel and my happiness with my life. I think I am finally starting to understand why. My whole life I've had this perfect image of love and this ultimate goal of one day finding it. I'm not going to be with someone without letting that ultimate goal play out in my head. I know it would absolutely horrify any guy I've ever dated to hear that, but in all honesty, all I've ever been looking for is that big end goal of eternity and happiness. I know that people have liked me, and even like me now. It's just that this perpetual desire to find love seems so far away and unreal at times. It's this fantasy of perfection that seems so unattainable at times. Anytime I really feel like I'm falling in love, it horrifies me because the idea that someone could fall in love with me is too unreal. And sometimes, all I can really think is that maybe I'm enough to like, but not enough to love. I have good qualities, and I'm a decent person, but sometimes I wonder if I am enough. Will anyone ever just be completely head over heels for me just for being who I am? I've seen it happen to other people so many times, and it's all I've ever wanted.

I'm in the library, supposed to be studying for a geology final. There is a huge window to the side, where I can see the snow falling so hard. Yesterday was this amazing, sunshiny day. Part of me is so frustrated that I'm wearing a stupid dress and no coat, and that it's not already the beautiful spring I had anticipated. But I can't help but look out that window and think it's the most beautiful thing in the world. Life is so unpredictable, and I really can't do anything to change it. What I can do is enjoy the ride. We are presented with different opportunities for a reason, and I know that what is meant to be always finds a way. As long as I'm embracing life's challenges and letting the unexpected turns and twists be the greatest of any roller coaster ride.

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