time for change

Okay. So. I'm feeling the need for change right now. I deserve to be treated with respect, right? I'm sure hoping so. Because I still am incapable of demanding it apparently. To some degree I wonder if it's too late, if I'm just in the endless jerk cycle that I won't ever break out of. I even turn great, decent guys into jerks somehow. I'm actually starting to believe that it's me that has the problem. Of course I will be okay. I always am. There's only one problem. Every time this happens, a little piece of who I am almost like goes into hiding because I'm scared that there is something wrong with me that causes this to happen. Ever so slowly, my self-worth and confidence begins to disappear, and I don't know where to go from that point. I want to be a happy person to be around, but I feel the person I am is crumbling with every blow I take. It's my own fault that this happens. I should be able to take the bad and make it make me stronger, not weaker. A strong individual would laugh at the situation and pity the person who let her go. So why can't I do that? I don't want to be this crumbling disaster that sometimes I feel like I am. This time around I was so guarded and careful. I made sure not to fall as hard as usual and to keep my distance in a way that maybe I shouldn't have. When it all came down to it I am still the winner at a losing game. I kept myself distanced and guarded to save myself the pain, but I wonder if I caused it by doing that. I didn't allow someone to develop feelings for me that they should be developing when they are in a relationship with someone because I didn't want to hurt. I thought that maybe that part of it could come later when I was ready. Will I ever be ready? I think I am a complete failure at relationships. I don't wanna feel this way again.