Thursday, March 4, 2010

snow makes me think

I've been thinking about it a lot, and I've realized something about myself. I haven't really decided whether or not I feel like it's a good or a bad thing. In the past (and now... ha) I have let relationships dictate so much of how I feel and my happiness with my life. I think I am finally starting to understand why. My whole life I've had this perfect image of love and this ultimate goal of one day finding it. I'm not going to be with someone without letting that ultimate goal play out in my head. I know it would absolutely horrify any guy I've ever dated to hear that, but in all honesty, all I've ever been looking for is that big end goal of eternity and happiness. I know that people have liked me, and even like me now. It's just that this perpetual desire to find love seems so far away and unreal at times. It's this fantasy of perfection that seems so unattainable at times. Anytime I really feel like I'm falling in love, it horrifies me because the idea that someone could fall in love with me is too unreal. And sometimes, all I can really think is that maybe I'm enough to like, but not enough to love. I have good qualities, and I'm a decent person, but sometimes I wonder if I am enough. Will anyone ever just be completely head over heels for me just for being who I am? I've seen it happen to other people so many times, and it's all I've ever wanted.

I'm in the library, supposed to be studying for a geology final. There is a huge window to the side, where I can see the snow falling so hard. Yesterday was this amazing, sunshiny day. Part of me is so frustrated that I'm wearing a stupid dress and no coat, and that it's not already the beautiful spring I had anticipated. But I can't help but look out that window and think it's the most beautiful thing in the world. Life is so unpredictable, and I really can't do anything to change it. What I can do is enjoy the ride. We are presented with different opportunities for a reason, and I know that what is meant to be always finds a way. As long as I'm embracing life's challenges and letting the unexpected turns and twists be the greatest of any roller coaster ride.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

time for change

Okay. So. I'm feeling the need for change right now. I deserve to be treated with respect, right? I'm sure hoping so. Because I still am incapable of demanding it apparently. To some degree I wonder if it's too late, if I'm just in the endless jerk cycle that I won't ever break out of. I even turn great, decent guys into jerks somehow. I'm actually starting to believe that it's me that has the problem. Of course I will be okay. I always am. There's only one problem. Every time this happens, a little piece of who I am almost like goes into hiding because I'm scared that there is something wrong with me that causes this to happen. Ever so slowly, my self-worth and confidence begins to disappear, and I don't know where to go from that point. I want to be a happy person to be around, but I feel the person I am is crumbling with every blow I take. It's my own fault that this happens. I should be able to take the bad and make it make me stronger, not weaker. A strong individual would laugh at the situation and pity the person who let her go. So why can't I do that? I don't want to be this crumbling disaster that sometimes I feel like I am. This time around I was so guarded and careful. I made sure not to fall as hard as usual and to keep my distance in a way that maybe I shouldn't have. When it all came down to it I am still the winner at a losing game. I kept myself distanced and guarded to save myself the pain, but I wonder if I caused it by doing that. I didn't allow someone to develop feelings for me that they should be developing when they are in a relationship with someone because I didn't want to hurt. I thought that maybe that part of it could come later when I was ready. Will I ever be ready? I think I am a complete failure at relationships. I don't wanna feel this way again.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

At the moment.... this is feeling pretty much right. And man I hate cats!

Thursday, July 9, 2009

dreaming of the tropics

I feel like I have so much growing left to do in my life. I have so many flaws and insecurities that I don't even know where to begin fixing myself sometimes. I want life to be peaceful and to have no doubts or worries. I really really want so badly to just be sitting on a tropical beach with no connection to anyone or the outside world.  There is simply one thing I want to do right now: chill.  There is too much to do and such little time to do it in.  Sometimes I get so overwhelmed I just lay on my bed with the fan on and don't do a think for a half hour or more.  Now that's productive. The people of my life are frustrating. And I really love them (well... most of them), but they are stressing me out for various different reasons. I just need time away to breathe and figure out what it is that's going to make me happy without outside pressures or blinded views on what it is that I keep telling myself I want.  I don't even know what it is I want right now.  I want to be happy and content.  There is nothing wrong with my life, but the fact that I'm obsessing over the Bachelorette to the point of searching desperately for internet spoilers possibly shows that I am in dire need of some sort of adjustment.  I don't know what it is that's making everything feel mixed up or out of place.  I am wondering if there is something great I could be doing and I can't bring myself to realize what it is I need to do.  And I think all this craziness is a result of my extreme boredom.  I'm so sick of watching other people's fictional lives on the television.  But man... they are so much more exciting than me. I suppose summer is near to halfway over (or maybe it is already halfway over..?) and I should be excited. Instead I just had the desire to go on a long road trip and explore the world. If only! I hope in my college years ahead I can fine the courage to travel wherever I want to.  I want to experience the world, and put this summer to shame with the adventures I will go on and the places I will explore.  I keep staring at the postcard on my wall with plumerias on it.  That's where I want to be right now... breathing in the tropical air with a plumeria in my hair and watching the sunset over the ocean without a care on my mind. Then again, if we ever were truly carefree... what would life be? Our cares are what keep us passionate and in pursuit of our dreams.  So maybe cares aren't so bad after all. I'll try to stay sane this next month and a half and keep things in perspective.  Because after this lame summer has passed, I can take my dreams and turn them into realities. And maybe, just maybe if I never lose faith, hope, and perseverance that can happen.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

in search of the cure for boredom

Okay soo... maybe this summer is nothing what I expected it to be like. So what, right?  I've decided to put myself on a mission.  I'm looking for the cure to boredom.  I'm so lucky because in about two months I'm starting over and creating a great, new life for myself. I am truly so excited about it, but something's got to get me through the next couple of months.  Because if I just try to sail through and get it over with, I'm scared I will lose some of my confidence in the process and be a boring blob of boredom (alliteration?) when I leave for school and no one will want to talk to me! So what in the world is a bored girl to do? It's a little too late in the game to make new friends when I'm about to leave, and the friends that I have that are here and out of town a lot and whatever else... so I've got to find things to do myself.  Hmm. Goal setting? Only ambitious people do that. Maybe I should be more ambitious? Let's look at all the goals I've set every year and have yet to accomplish.  Lose weight (every time I intend to do that I gain, and I only lose weight when I'm depressed), straight A's (ummm yeah right), organize/clean my room (well that just goes straight back to boring), and be tan (well that's just plain vain and absolutely impossible. Like I seriously think there is something wrong with my skin).  I have a passion for the random and I love trying new things and going on adventures, but that's hard to do on my own! Fourth of July is really soon and while my family is all going to Cascade, (which makes it one of the best holidays on the planet.. it's so fun!) I am working my butt off at subway and spending the holiday alone! It's gonna suck. Let's be honest. Because when I get off work I go home and watch fireworks on TV or something lame. (Do they even have fireworks on TV?) Although the highlighting of how fascinating my life is has been fun, it's time for Subway. Eat fresh. 

Sunday, May 24, 2009

a new chapter.

I have having the hardest time believing it myself, but summer is here! This is the weird summer, where I am getting ready to really leave home for the first time ever. It is when I make my last memories with my high school friends and then everything changes forever. So here is the begining of the end! And I fully intend to make the best of it. I feel oddly reminiscent , but at the same time I am so ready to leave some things behind. I don't feel old enough to have reached the point of my life where I graduate and start making plans that will effect my entire life. I think of all the people that have made me the person I am today. Some of them I truly believe I won't ever see again, and I feel torn in all different directions about that.

I look at my future and I see how bright it really is. There are so many opportunities coming my way. I am going to BYU in Provo in August, I have the most amazing friends, the greatest mother in the world, a loving family, and I am learning so much about myself and figuring out that maybe I am truly worth something after all.

I so look forward to the next years of my life, but I fully intend to make the rest of my experience as memorable as possible. I just wante to celebrate every moment I possibly can and never forget them. I look back over this year, and so much has happened. Lose some friends, make some better ones, have my heart completely shattered, but maybe finding someone who can help pick up the pieces.

This week will be a weird one. Graduation is one Wednesday, and I can't believe that I will be throwing my cap into the air like all the other seniors. But I honestly feel nothing but excitement, because there is so much in store for my future!

"keep thinking that it's not goodbye, keep on thinking that it's a time to fly"